SANTA EXPOSED

 It's been no secret for several years that Santa Claus is a fraudster, yet he has somehow always been able to escape scrutiny from the public without a scratch.

Let's not forget that in 2009, the Christmas Papers were released -- a 70-page document authored by an anonymous North Pole escapee detailing the inhumane and horrific working conditions of Santa's Toy Factory. The factory is not as inspiring and dream-like as Christmas™'s marketing team would lead you to believe. The Elves are forced into horrible 80-hour work weeks with low pay, working in the cold thin walls and the disgusting floors wet with dirt and grime. There are numerous incidents of Elves becoming hurt, sick, or dead at the workplace with no compensation besides unemployment. That's not to mention that Santa has no qualms about child labor. That new iPad your kid got from Christmas™ could very well have been built by an elf a couple years younger than them.  

You should be able to understand everything you need to know about this man by the fact that instead of helping out the domestic economy, he deliberately chooses to take advantage of the cheap labor of the Elves in the developing North Pole, a place without any minimum wage laws or protections on worker's rights. How have we, as a society, let Santa, a white man, effectively colonize and enslave an isolated and independent society of a foreign race, taking away their freedom and culture?

 In addition, Christmas™ was exposed yet again a few years ago in 2019 for blatantly favoring wealthier children over poor ones. Numerous people came out with their poor experiences with Christmas™ on social media using the tag #NotMyChristmas. While many middle-class and richer children were receiving multiple gifts they wanted from Santa Claus, the average child typically either received one disappointing gift or nothing at all.

How did Santa respond to this criticism? With Christmas™'s new subscription-based model, of course! Now you can choose the amount of happiness and holiday joy you'd like to receive by paying more money, while those who don't buy a subscription will just get nothing. Way to commercialize and ruin a beloved holiday.

However, as Santa has done for so long, he has covered up his trails. Most people forgot, don't remember, or haven't even heard of the Christmas Papers. We just hear "Santa" and think up images of a jolly old man on a sleigh, providing presents, cheer, and happiness to all children and families across the world. We think of the decorations, the movies, the stories of a happy Santa in the North Pole, working hard to ensure children's happiness, but the truth is clear: Santa doesn't care about the children one bit, and his villa in Barbados isn't even close to the North Pole. He is a manipulative conman whose business is centered around selling his image while he collects coins in the background.

I'm very pleased to  report that there will be no Christmas this year. Santa's Reindeer, who we now know have taken years of abuse and poor living conditions themselves, have orchestrated an attack on their CEO as he comes back to the factory to prepare for the annual Christmas™ trip. The Reindeer reportedly ran over the man for a good 25 laps until he was surely dead. There are now talks about arresting and questioning the head Reindeer who lead the attack, but since there is no justice system in the North Pole, the Reindeer are all free. The Elves are free. The children are now free. We are free from this oppressive "holiday" which has promoted commercialism, colonialism, and sadness for far too long.